If you cross all of your fingers, you just have a tangled hand!

I'm going to find some time, somwhere,
and rebuild this whole facade!
I will, I will, I will!
If you choose to read it, I appreciate you much more than you'll ever know!

P.I.G.S - Holy Fuck

How y'gonna keep em' down on the farm? How y'gonna keep em' away from Broadway?

As you all know, the Phog Lounge in Downtown Windsor hosted the first ever Phog Phest to commemorate it's acceptance of the title "best live music venue in all of Canada." I was lucky enough to be one of the many (strange.. or colourful) people in attendance at this event.

I had intended to write this post eons earlier, but I seem to have some sort of really weird cold (SWINE FLU!??) that has lasted since the day before the spectacle until this very day. So, please excuse my lateness and overall incoherence. I’d like to blame any mistakes on my cold and not my general laziness, so you are all just going to have to go with it, damnit!

By the way, if you can’t tell who I am by the former paragraphs, that means that you don’t already know me. Hello, my name is Kaitlyn, and I’d like to apologize for the wait, but I can’t churn out posts at the speed of our regular blogger, my Ny-Quil addicted, insomniac SUPERBESTfriend.

The Phog Phest was a pretty big day for me. Being from Amherstburg (insert farm jokes here) I had never been to a concert (Does Elmo Live count?). I know. It’s pretty sad. But, since I have (a) wonderful friend(s) who have decided to educate me (if forcibly) about life outside the farm, I found myself in a car on the way to Downtown Windsor listening to incredibly chiseled two man-boys screaming out Weezer’s El Scorcho.

Since I’m a masochist and enjoy giving people fodder to make fun of me with, I’ll tell you all something about myself- I’m terrified of cities. Traffic, people if Downtown Windsor has it, I’m afraid of it (except a surplus of gays and lesbians- not scared of them). So, it was an adventure in itself getting there (I flinched every time we had to cross a street.)

But it was all worth it once we arrived at the makeshift stage and were greeted by Ron Leary’s sideburns and the sounds of acoustic guitar resting upon the shoulders of a HA-monica player by the name of “Mr. Chill”, though by the time we got there, the set was almost done.

Next up was The Square Root of Margaret, out of Chatham.

After that, the ‘Phest was moved to inside the Phog Lounge, where we are not allowed, being too young to drink. So I got to explore Downtown Windsor, something which I have never done before (…so many cars). We had a lunch/dinner/midday type meal at the Black Kettle Bistro, a little café style restaurant on some street somewhere near the Phog (I have NO sense of direction, for the record) which served the best thin crust pizza I have ever had.

One of my favourite bands to play that day was Green Go from Guelph, Ontario. Not only did I like their sound (sort of techno, with lots of synth) they had a FEMALE SYNTH PLAYER, a really cool one. She wasn’t just there to look pretty, like some talentless pop group/brothels (or ULTRA-massage parlours..). She not only played the synth, she also sang! Damn… she was cool.

The second-to-last band I saw that night was The Arkells, who were probably my favourite. I’m not sure what you’d describe them as. Heavy enough to be rock, but they also had a harmonica… just listen…

(This is where the audio files go!)

Ballad of Hugo Chavez - Arkells

Old Fashioned Morphine - Ron Leary

Brains For Breakfast - Green Go

Lastly (well for me, anyway- yay, curfew!) was the headlining band whose introduction went something like this:

“Please welcome, Holy F!”

And then the crowd yells “Fuck!”. Ah…. censorship.

There’s really no way to describe them if you haven’t heard it. It’s all instrumental, and mostly synthesizers. Basically they have five guys on five synths in a circle and they just go crazy. It’s like the soundtrack to a seizure, or a frat party.

Unfortunately, that was the last set I was able to see, as I had to make the journey back to my little town.

So ends the much-delayed first post.

More to come?

Kaitlyn

[Letter from the editor: This post was written by the daring and courageous K. E. Moche, commonly reffered to in Bulgaria as Pigeon Ankle. Small snippets of wit and awesome were included gracefully by a one Mr. Norman J. Nehmetallah. Hopefully, she will accept a fulltime position as a resident blogger/feminist.]

Holy Phog!

One week ago today, the sleepy town of Windsor, Ontario (this is beginning to sound like Sleepy Hollow...), known for it's illustrious "massage" parlors and noxious garbage scent, hosted one of the most exhilarating live music events this city has ever seen. This event, aptly titled Phog Phest, was a celebration of the Phog Lounge. For those of you who are unaware of the Phog Lounge's existence, I hear Rona has a wonderful sale on horse manure that you should promptly drown yourself and loved ones in. Yeah, it's that good. Well, to begin this post, I suppose a brief history of Windsor's finest establishment is in order. Forward, Russia!

The Phog Lounge, located on the corner of 157 University Ave. West, is, in

the words of their Facebook, (I thank Bill Gates every morning in my prayers for the power of copy and paste...):

"Phog Lounge is an intimate bar/live music venue located at 157 University Ave. West. Small and cosy with a great selection of microbrewery beers on tap, Phog Lounge has been CJAM 91.5 FM's Jammy Award winning "Best Bar in Windsor" for 3 years running. In September of 2006, Phog Lounge teamed up with another local Windsor music venue, The Avalon Front, to bring Windsor the first ever PA Music Festival that featured the likes of The Golden Dogs, Sunparlour Players, The Hi

gh Strung, The Mark Inside and more!

Over the years, Phog Lounge has held beautifully intimate performances from the likes of:

Arctic

The Awkward Stage

Beast

Bend Sinister

The Bicycles

Robin Black

The Buttless Chaps

The Creeping Nobodies

Cuff The Duke

Die Mannequin

The Doers

Julie Doiron (ex-Eric's Trip)

The D'Ubervilles

The Dudes

Karyn Ellis

Fembots

Final Fantasy (2006 Polaris Prize Winner)

Fox Jaws

The Golden Hands Before God

Great Lakes Swimmers

Emm Gryner

Henri Faberge and The Adorables

Rebekah Higgs

The High Dials

The High Strung

Holy Fuck

'Mr. Chill' Kelly Hoppe

HotKid

Hot Panda

The Jason Trachtenburg Slideshow

The Jimmyriggers

Ron Leary

Lesbo Vrouven

Lindy Mahogany

Frog

The Mark Inside

Mohawk Lodge

Mother Mother

A Northern Chorus

Ox

The Pack A.D.

The Perpetrators

Poorfolk

The Postage Stamps

QR5

The Riderless

Pat Robitaille

Run With The Kittens

Spiral Beach

Square Root of Margaret

The Sunparlour Players

The Superfantastics

Tokyo Police Club

Al Tuck

Twilight Hotel

The Unsettlers

Patrick Watson (2007 Polaris Prize Winner)

Wax Mannequin

Bob Wiseman (ex-Blue Rodeo)

Royal Wood

Wooden Sky Young and Sexy Young Rival

You Say Party! We Say Die!

plus

MANY MANY MORE AMAZING NATIONAL and INTERNATIONALLY TOURING ACTS"

This, my dear friends, is the Phog Lounge. The marvel red shack, while often ignored by the common man, is the home of Tom Lucier and Frank (Just Frank). Tom and Frank, the warriors of manliness that this city tends to attract, have been operating the Phog Lounge for over five full years, bringing the best in independent music and barbershop quartet to the Rose City. Now, on to the reason for this timely post-a-rama?

CBC Radio 3, fronted by the gallant Grant Lawrence, sent it's promiscuous Searchlight on a quest for the Best Live Music Venue in Canada. Hundreds of venues, and many suspenseful weeks, later (all with a larger capacity/venue size), The Phog Lounge eventually emerged victorious. Fulfilling it's lucrative promise, CBC Radio 3 hosted a live broadcast and massive outdoor festival, dubbed Phog Phest, in front of the Phog Lounge. Headlining this extravagant affair was the best live band in this humble writer's opinion, Holy Fuck (a la Toronto). In the below section, I will include a cumulative mixtape, spanning most of the artists who performed, photos from heaven (also known as the prior mentioned event), and an incredibly brief synopsis of my adventures at the most anticipated musical event of the millennium. Try to contain your excitement. Emphasis on the "try".

Photos! (I was going to make this subheading clever by swapping whatever "f" was in the word with "ph" but irony struck again...)

Click here! to see THOUSANDS of photos, all credited

to KevKavPhotography, including a couple of yours truly!

Below are a few of photos taken from the vantage point of this humble blogger, who is also (not) a burgeoning photographer and (is very much so) a part time model.

The Arkells!

I'm artsy, therefore, I take photographs of awesome things, but have only the mundane objects in focus.

I wish I could tell you that I had that snow cone all to myself. No, it was a taste trifecta that needed to be celebrated in a threesome of excellence!

Holy Fuck pretty much sums them up...

If one looks hard enough, they may find TWO interactive panoramas of the Phestivities!

Looking hard enough would boil down to clicking... here!

An Official Looks Like Coffee, Tastes Like Juice, Written Like An Amputated 3 Year Old Mixtape!

This is the second time that a title of a subheading hasn't had the letter "f" for my exploiting!

Emma, Grab Me A Lemon! The Phog Phest Retrospective! PART 1!

01 - Casio Bossa Nova - Holy Fuck

02 - The Road In Between - Ron Leary

03 - I Don't Know Why! - Square Root of Margaret

04 - Oh Be Joyful - The Pack A.D

The TWO! (that's right, this prominently emphasized two is NOT a typo!) accounts of this spectacular event, written by TWO authors, will be posted tomorrow, along with part 2 of the mixtape! Hopefully...

Please, visit your national bars!

To all those celebrating the bask-worthy sunlight, as well as the seemingly endless creative well that the uncut grass and vagrant trash has provided for our city: I salute you! To all those sitting inside (as I am at this very moment - hypocrisy abounds...): please go visit your national parks. This post, which will be invariably short in nature, is to inform you on the lovely topic that is Phog Phest. Read on!

A few months ago, CBC Radio 3 (Their Searchlight section, in particular) held a poll to discover an establishment worthy of the title, "The Best Live Music Venue In Canada". Thousands of entries heaped in, from B.C to Newfoundland, and by the end of the month only 10 entries remained. The most surprising of these entries was Windsor's own The Phog Lounge. Housing only a meager 75, compared to the some-odd-hundreds of the other entries, The Phog Lounge was the smallest venue on the list. The shocked lingered on after this minuscule establishment took home the gold, which included the promise of a national touring band playing a show at the victorious establishment.

One moment, the ice cream truck just drove by my house.

Anyway, Windsor is a city of extremes, I live here after all, from the minimal wages to the maximum number of strippers per square foot. Bearing this in mind, The Phog Lounge has decided to throw a festival where said group will play, along with almost 30 other bands, ranging from the local to the... not local. The corner of Victoria and University will be blocked off for this show. This free ($15 for the licensed), 13 hour festival will include the likes of Holy Fuck (our prized band), The Pack A.D, The Arkells and Chatam's own Square Root of Margaret. These are just four of the near 30 bands who will be performing through the evening.

I present to you the schedule for this HIGHLY-anticipated event (by myself, and Windsor-ites in particular):

Ron Leary & Kelly Hoppe | 1:00pm - main stage
Square Root of Margret | 1:30pm - main stage
(WH)Y.M.E.(??) | 2:00pm - phog stage
Eric Welton Band | 2:30pm - phog stage
Tara Watts Band | 3:00pm - phog stage
ASK | 3:30pm - phog stage
James O-L & the Villains | 4:00pm - phog stage
The Locusts Have No King | 4:30pm - phog stage
Yellow Wood | 5:00pm - main stage
Green Go | 5:40 - main stage
Arkells | 6:30pm - main stage
Holy Fuck | 7:30pm - main stage
Michou | 8:30pm - phog stage
Pat Robitaille | 9:00pm - main stage
Megan Hamilton and The Volunteer Canola | 9:30pm - phog stage
Field Assembly | 10:00pm - main stage
Peace Leeches | 10:30 - phog stage
The Kramdens | 11:00pm - main stage
Orphan Choir | 11:30pm - phog stage
Fjord Rowboat | 12:00am - main stage
The Pack AD | 12:30am - main stage
Citywide Vacuum | 1:00am - phog stage
What Seas, What Shores | 1:30am - phog stage
END 2:00am

This event is going to be monstrous, so until then, let this video of Holy Fuck's greatest track "Lovely Allen" hold you over...

Have a lovely day, and I can confidentially tell you that there will FINALLY be a new post tomorrow!

By the way, visit www.thephogblog.blogspot.com for more Phog Phest information,

and if you possess a sterling set of ears, go listen to Neko Case's new album, Middle Cyclone.